( Peter is not unaware that death is a natural part of life. it'd be one thing if the people around him died of old age or even of a long fight to some sort of disease. it's sort of the murder and accidental death with no expectation or warning, the sudden brutality of there one minute and gone the next that is the problem. for him it isn't okay to just brush it under the rug with the idea it'd happen sooner or later — it would have been later if it weren't for him and his choices, and Peter can't quite let himself forget that.
his senses are funny, often acting instinctively, and especially when Peter is on edge. still, apparently his spider-senses don't find Matt's attempts to comfort him to be a threat; probably because they aren't. Peter feels as if he doesn't quite deserve the comfort but he craves it anyway, holding onto Matt as if he might never let go, despite all his attempts to convince himself it would be better if he did. his face is wet and he's glad to hide it in the fabric of Matt's sweatshirt, even though it leaves his answered muffled. )
You don't get to tell me I don't have to worry about it when you are bleeding as we speak. ( Peter can't tell where, but this close he can smell it. at least he probably doesn't have to worry about accidentally killing Matt, since Matt will probably kill himself faster. it doesn't make him feel that much better. ) If anybody that wants to hurt Spider-Man finds out about you, that I care about you? You'd be in even more danger than you already are.
( and if caring was dangerous, giving what they were a name was certainly worse. dating was sort of like painting a target on Matt's back, if Peter ever got a new enemy that had a bone to pick and a clue about his identity. not to mention the fact Harry is most assuredly not dead, and still making his life miserable, even from Ravencroft. Harry had thrown the last person Peter loved to their inevitable death, he's fairly certain Harry wouldn't hesitate to hurt someone else if he thought it would even slightly upset him. )
You can't let them scare you. ( He clutched Peter, breathed him in. He never knew if what he was saying was too easy and to the point, rather than being inspiring. Matt walked the fine line between cold and likable. Maybe that's why Foggy did a lot of the talking in court. )
I know it seems like the only options are me dead or me and you going to Coney Island together. And obviously you want me alive. But it's not like that. I'm like you. Abilities. And I've lost someone. I think this is something ...
( He's not thinking of Elektra right now, but later he'll remember when he told her they belonged together. )
Great concept, really difficult execution. ( he's already scared, Matt can probably taste it or smell it or whatever the hell Matt does. it's ridiculous, how scared he is of a possibility, of the past repeating itself when he's really only lost one person to someone angry enough to aim next to him instead of at him. the fact he's the one that did the killing, in the end, probably has something to do with it.
but the fact he was here, in Matt's living room, in Matt's arms, means something. the fact he's explaining his fears instead of just blindly following them means something too. he's scared, but he's here, because he wants to believe that maybe Matt is right, and maybe the deck doesn't have to deal him the same terrible hand twice. )
Harry is still alive. Harry still hates me, and he'd do it again if he could. There's a city full of people that hate me enough to hurt you. ( Peter can't help himself, he has to remind Matt all the reasons why it's a bad idea, even if his body is giving away all the reasons it's a good one. holding onto him like he's the last buoy in a raging sea, pressing a kiss at one of the dark sideburns that somehow look so attractive on Matt Murdock and literally no one else on the planet.
and, limitedly, he also can't help inquiring, ) Seriously, you want to take me to Coney Island. ( that's oddly adorable, why does Matt want to go to Coney Island. )
Hey, maybe if we don't hold hands in public, no one will try to kill me.
( Matt cradles Peter close to him, but then stretches his arms out to get him to sit a few feet away. He will yank on Peter's hips if he goes to sit beside him. Matt will pull him into his lap and clutch him against his chest. )
Yeah, I'd take you to Coney Island. Foggy never wanted to go, he thought it'd be boring for me. I went by myself once. It sounds like music-- Peter... I can protect myself.
( Matt starts to comb his fingers through Peter's hair, in some sort of cat-petting trance. In his mind, he's not scared for Peter the way he is for Matt. Matt knows that if any of Matt's thugs came up to Peter, then Peter would dunk on them.
( Peter shakes his head, almost hopelessly. what kind of relationship would it really be if they could never touch each other, never give any appearance of being together, unless it was just the two of them? no, he doesn't want that, even though the alternative feels objectively more terrifying than something secret and brushed under the rug. is it really as simple as Matt makes it sound? Harry is trapped at Ravencroft for the foreseeable future, but not forever. what happens when he gets out? what happens if any of his other superpowered problems figure out who he really is? Peter isn't really worried about the reverse, either, if any of Matt's problems came his way he'd be fine. he could throw Wilson Fisk like a frisbee if he wanted to. Matt is the squishy, slow to heal human of the two of them.
despite being nonconvinced that cutting out PDA will protect them, Peter does allow Matt to pull him closer. and closer still into his lap, as if no amount of close is close enough. it's something Peter usually finds endearing, still does, despite the fact there's still the tiny in the whisper in his head about what a big mistake it is to let himself even consider what Matt is saying.
it's really hard to focus on freaking out about distant possibilities when Matt is talking about Coney Island and whispering in that intoxicating way of his, that manages to paint a picture of what he sees, even when he doesn't see at all. ) You'd make a killing at Whack-a-Mole, ( Peter reflects with a laugh that's more sad than anything. he'd like that, he'd like to go together, he'd like to try and explain all the roaring sound and activity to Matt and do dumb things like play for stuffed toys he doesn't need and steal Matt's cotton candy. he wants all of those things, Matt isn't alone in wanting. he just has convinced himself that wanting was dangerous for so long, he's almost afraid to consider what it would be like if he let himself.
he only has one last lingering defense, and it feels like Matt practically glossed over it. Peter forces himself out of the lull that Matt is trying to coax him into, and damn him if it isn't working. Peter has to catch his hands and hold onto them, because if he doesn't he knows he will melt to them, he always does. )
Why— why do you still want me, after what I told you? Matt, I mean it. I killed her. It was me. It's not some guilty conscience talking, I snapped her neck trying to catch her. You should hate me — I know you don't kill, and you wouldn't want to be with someone that does. ( Peter has hated himself for killing Gwen for so long it is truly baffling that he's confessed his worst crime and Matt doesn't seem interested in hating him for it. )
( Matt looks surprised for a second, he thought he won this mess. If there was a winner to be had. When Peter asks that heartbreaking question, Matt yanks his hands away. ) You didn't kill anyone on purpose. You made a mistake, maybe-- maybe, but you didn't set out to murder someone.
( He thinks about maybe sharing how Elektra slit a boy's throat several feet from where they sat. She was upset afterwards, like she was the one who was hurt, not did the hurting. If he can get his mitts away from Peter, he'll use them to again pull Peter to him. )
You and I are in the same business. I can protect myself. And I know you can protect your ass. Your cute, round ass. ( A smile, trying to extinguish the seriousness of this conversation. He considers what he'd do if Fisk got out again. He'd somehow use his lawyer powers to convince Peter to leave the state. Easy. )
( that's the lawyer in Matt that thinks he can win an argument against Peter's guilt. it might not be the catholic kind but he's been carrying it for years now, it's not just going to break lose without a fight. he still feels it, weighted around his shoulders, especially as he craves to cave to Matt's words and his touch. Gwen doesn't get the chance to move on, have another shot, why should he? in the end that is almost as compelling as his genuine terror that loving someone will put them in the line of fire — he feels almost too guilty to move on when Gwen is gone and never will.
Peter doesn't relinquish Matt's hands immediately, despite the tug. it's sad that he'd almost rather Matt be angry with him, because it'd almost be a relief to have someone hate him for what he's done. Peter feels as if he certainly deserves as much. it takes a minute to sink in that it's not the argument closer he thought it'd be. what is he supposed to do, now that he's out of excuses? this is the same fight he'd had over and over with Gwen, and he knows how much the back and forth and hot and cold had hurt her. is it really as easy as just accepting the risk for a chance at being happy?
probably. still seems easier said than done, though Peter reluctantly releases Matt to do whatever he wants with his hands. unsurprisingly it is just to draw him closer. ) I'm having an emotional crisis, here, stop talking about my ass. ( it's a joke, which is a good sign, even though his tone is still a little more watery than he'd like. it's pretty far from the ball of anxiety he'd been when he'd walked in the door, though — Matt is very convincing, turns out. )
You can't live amongst us, such an angel you are, and expect people to just-- not fall in love with you. ( Matt apparently spoke weird when he was mushy like this. But it was said with a sort of laugh, like he was still gonna keep trying to get a smile out of Peter. He tilted his head upward slightly (damn kid was taller than him), put his first few fingers on Peter's jaw and pull him to kiss him. )
--For the record, we don't believe that angels looked like those big wheels of eyes, so figure it out.
( Peter is not a lawyer, so he doesn't really have an astute argument for that particular idea. though the concept of someone having no choice but to fall for him is absolutely absurd, actually more bizarre than the idea anyone would compare him to an angel (and Matt is catholic. he knows his angels). he has no idea what kind of jedi mind trick he'd pulled on Gwen to get her to love him, considering all the mistakes he'd made in their relationship. he definitely doesn't find himself lovable, but that sort of happens when you spend most of your life hating your own existence. Gwen was supposed to be the anomaly, lightning doesn't strike the same place twice and everything. Matt is acting like it was easy to love him, and Peter is pretty certain that's not the case.
he is half baffled, but, half touched, almost despite himself. it's not that he's accepting it, that's a far ask. but accepting that's how Matt feels... well, maybe he can do that.
he huffs a sad laugh and it's paired with a smile, still a little stained but certainly a lighter than anything else Peter has been displaying this entire conversation. he doesn't fight the kiss, in fact after it's over his hands find the back of Matt's neck to look him in the eye. Matt can't see him but that doesn't mean Peter can't see his reaction, and that's what he's looking for. ) Is that your weird catholic way of saying you love me?
( Matt grins when Peter grabs him. He knows Peter's looking into his eyes. Those pale brown eyes stare just below Peter's nose, maybe at a nostril. While he does that, Matt sneaks into Peter's body, listening for his heart, trying to see if any of the smells make any sense. (Peter actually smells nice, Matt's just sniffing out the ones the body makes during certain emotions).
Yeah, so he did just say that about loving Peter. And calling him an angel. He thinks maybe he can avoid it and go back-- no, Peter, you do look like one of those angels with wheels of eyes.
No. Fuck it. They both could die tomorrow. )
I do love you. Is that less weird and Catholic? What are you, an atheist? ( He says it with a squint. ) Seem like you're too smart to believe in something like I do.
( good thing Matt is blind, because staring at Peter's red and runny nose from all the crying probably is not attractive. as for Peter, he's looking at more than just his eyes; he's not like Matt, even if he can hear more than most he can't make sense of it, not usually. he uses his eyes to make sense of his world, and while Peter is not gifted at reading people, even he can see the difference between genuine and discomfort.
and when someone tells you they love you, especially when you haven't heard it from anyone but your aunt in years — you want to memorize everything about it, even if the moment wasn't perfect or beautiful or romantic. it's still something he wants to remember. )
You didn't bring up wheel face angels, so yeah. ( it does not take much to be less weird than that. Peter feels the dumb smile on his face at the plain words, despite the fact he's given Matt ample example why loving him is such a bad idea. it is a bad idea, but it doesn't change how beautiful the feeling is, to be loved. ) ...uh. I'm Jewish, technically.
( not practicing but the thing about Judaism is you're born into it and you never escape it, even if you don't practice it. it was a religion and an ethnicity rolled into one and Peter was not going to escape either any time soon, thanks to his jewish Auntie. )
( Matt smiled, and let out a little knock of a laugh. )
A Jewish boy and a Catholic boy.
( Neither of them were boys, even if Matt insisted Peter was. He could hear the smile in Peter's voice and continued to return it. He leaned forward once again to steal a quick kiss. It would be nice if Peter returned the sentiment, but Matt wasn't too concerned. He could have unrequited love. Maybe one day, Peter would realize he loved Matt all along. A guy can't dream, can't he?
He wasn't even sure why he was mad about this guy. They had a lot in common, Matt felt like he could be himself. He could be silly or stupid or afraid. He didn't have to wear a mask. His face was his mask. )
( Peter is equally unaware why Matt had fallen for him, they had that in common. still he can tell well enough that he was genuine, and despite all his attempts to prove to Matt Murdock he wasn’t worth the energy here the guy was, smiling and pulling him closer and making dumb jokes to try and make him laugh. for once in his life Peter does not protest Matt calling him a boy, perhaps because they were both boys in this situation which made it a little less aggravating.
it takes him a minute, running calloused fingertips over the stubble on Matt’s jaw, taking him in and trying to memorize every piece of him. because maybe it really was inevitable that he’d lose him and if that was the case Peter has lost too many people not to cling onto every new memory he can get his hands on. )
I’m sorry I was a shithead, ( Peter mumbles, eyes wandering because despite the fact Matt is blind, Peter hates looking people in the eye when he has to say something uncomfortable. ) I love you too, you know? That’s the scariest part.
( loving means having something to lose. putting a name on things made them too real, and reminded him too much of what he lost. it had been easier to panic and recoil and if he weren’t in so very deep, maybe he’d have been able to stay away. but just ask Gwen Stacy how good Peter was at truly leaving behind someone he loves. )
( Matt couldn't sense Peter avoiding his eyes-- but even if he knew, it wouldn't be a big deal. He hasn't made eye contact with anyone since he was nine. Seemed kind of weird now, didn't it? Unnerving. )
You're not a shithead. You-- oh. Okay. ( Matt smiles and ducks his head a little, he wasn't going to have to pine away. No alcohol and one night stands to scrub Peter away.
The way Peter touches his face is familiar, but it's not the same as when Matt tried to remember his father's face. It's not like the time Foggy let him feel his face to try and visualize him. No, this felt sad. Matt reaches up and curls fingers around Peter's wrist. ) It's all right.
( Peter usually likes looking at Matt's eyes, they're pretty. like the rest of him. Matt seems to be insecure about his eyes, for a bit when they first started Matt always would keep his glasses on, even if they just got in the way of Peter's desperate attempts to attack his face with his mouth. there's still enough connection in looking in his eyes that Peter can't manage to do it when he's uncomfortable, but Matt doesn't have to feel bad about it since Peter can't hardly look anybody in the eye when he's uncomfortable.
(his aunt knows this, and will hold his face in place to force him to. Matt has never bothered because he can't see, which is sort of a relief.)
peter lifts the wrist Matt has found and kisses the bruised knuckles he finds there. ) Mmm, you said I was yourself, you know. And you were right. ( it was shitty to shut down, it was shitty to push him away, it was shitty to ghost him three days like both of them would just magically stop caring and he could go back to his pretend world of detachment. ) I broke up with Gwen like 17 times trying to keep up with a promise I made to her dead dad. She hated it, the last time she broke up with me. You'd think I'd have learned, but... sometimes it's like I don't know anything, now that she's gone. She was the smart one, believe it or not.
( it's super new, to be able to talk about Gwen without crying. it's not exactly good, but maybe it's better than stuffing all the memories back and trying to avoid ever thinking about them. )
DID U SEE DEFENDERS? SHOULD I LEAVE OUT SPOILERS? CAPS LOCK!
( Matt quickly considers something. Should he mention Elektra? He doesn't want to take away from what Peter has, but maybe sharing something like that would help. Their circumstances are certainly different, but they do both have a dead girlfriend. )
You can't stop some things, Peter. You have to let them happen. They tell me things happen for a reason, but I know that's a shitty thing to say in reference to someone dying. I loved a woman named Elektra. She was killed in my arms by ... ninjas, of all things.
( He kisses him again, as if trying to shut himself up. Matt threads his fingers through Peter's ridiculous hair and smiles to himself. It's a secret smile. )
( Peter can't stand the saying things happen for a reason. he doesn't want to believe that's true, that Gwen Stacy had to die for any reason at all. she should have lived, she was the best and the brightest and the most beautiful thing Peter has ever known. there is no reason valid, no reason Peter could ever accept that makes her death make sense.
also, if you get down to it, he's the reason it happened. he also doesn't like that reminder. )
I'm sorry, ( Peter mutters, scrubbing a thumb near Matt's ear, at the dark line of a sideburn that seems absurdly well maintained for a guy that can't see. ) I know saying that is completely pointless and it doesn't help. But I am sorry.
Edited (hit enter too fast) 2019-08-06 04:06 (UTC)
She came back to life. Which makes me wonder if my religion is completely stupid. First it says she should have died, that's what God wanted, and then it says no, no, we want her back. Only she's evil now. Or she was...
( She might be gone for good now. Even if Matt survived the goddamn building falling on him.
Matt leans his head to the side, right where Peter is touching. It's one of his dog-like head tilts, but this time it's to get more of Peter's hand on his face. )
I'm sorry too. But at least we found each other. We can share our solitude. These double lives that feel like half lives. ( He scoffs. ) We should quit. ( They both know he'd never do anything like that. ) Go to Europe.
( back to... life??? what? ? ? ? ? there's so much more of a story there, and while part of Peter wants to ask, the rest of him knows that's not something you pry for details about. if Matt is anything like him, he needs to provide details on his own time. Peter knows how much it hurts to have them dragged out of you.
Evil? man, it'd be pretty awkward if all Peter's "people who hate me will hurt you" panic turned out to be pointless because now that Elektra was the Black Sky, that could maybe be a problem if she ever wanted to throw down over Matt Murdock. thank goodness she's off doing Black Sky things and not stalking Matt's new love interests... . .. . . . . )
Yeah. I think there's less of me left, now. ( of Peter Parker, he means. more and more and more, Spider-Man seems to take over. like bits and pieces and parts of him have died along with the people he's lost. Peter's actually agreed to travel once, for Gwen. he'd probably do it for Matt, too, but they'd both end up back in their city eventually. ) Just not London. ( sorry, Matt, that one can't happen... and considering their night, Matt can probably guess why. )
It does feel like that. That we're more one part of us than the other... ( What an observation, Pete. Matt looks a little sad, and clings closer to Peter. ) No London. Actually... let's just stay in New York. Everything's better here.
( Matt leans forward once more and kisses Peter, like he can't stop himself. ) We'll go to Coney Island and I can baffle carnies.
Edited (got threads confused, just woke up) 2019-08-07 11:22 (UTC)
( yeah, it's sad. under all the nerves and anxiousness and weird millennial lingo, Peter is pretty sad. sadder than you'd guess of a gangly nerd. it doesn't come out that often, though; and thankfully Matt usually makes Peter happy more than the alternative.
Peter is a good New Yorker, born and raised. he loves his city and has never wanted to move anywhere else, beyond London with Gwen. he's tired enough of supering that he'd consider a short vacation, though. what would the city do if Spider-Man was in Hawaii?? they might have to figure out one day. (but not today.)
Matt is really stuck on Coney Island, huh? Peter laughs, pairs it with a kiss of his own, and then leans back. he should probably crawl off of Matt's lap at some point tonight, he seems like he's considering now. ) Yeah, okay. Coney Island. Let's do it.
( Matt gives Peter a small smile and then gives him a good hard pat on the thigh. )
Okay, you apologized. And I'm sorry too, I shouldn't push you. But you gotta get out of here, or strip and sleep next to me, because I have a deposition in the morning.
( He knew Peter couldn't be with him all the time. He knew Peter couldn't sleep next to him in his underwear and not touch Matt. Matt knew a lot of things, but he ignored it all. )
This weekend, we'll go to Coney Island and you can pick out the ugliest horse for me to ride on the carousel.
( usually when Peter stays the night, it’s either because they’ve had sex or Matt has had one of those sort of nights. he seems to crave company most when he’s hurt and Peter has yet to manage to refuse him. or really to want to go anywhere, truthfully. staying just to sleep feels kind of intimate, but — with the word l - o - v - e floating around between them, you couldn’t get much more intimate than that right? )
I can sleep in my clothes. ( he legit does it all the time, sometimes whilst stuck to a wall. it isn’t that big a deal. he’s finally found the willpower to slink off of Matt and onto the couch proper, and he worries a lip about his impeccable timing. ) Sorry. I guess I’d know that if I hadn’t been ghosting you for three days.
( his guilt is obvious in his tone, though he doesn’t break into another string of sorries. if Matt rubs it in, he might. as far as the carousel, he has bad news. ) Matt, I’m telling you this because you are blind and I guess you don’t know. All the horses are haunted levels of horrifying, asking me to pick the worst one is like asking me to pick the wettest ocean.
Peter... ( Matt won't rub it in, he'd rather scold Peter for basically stating the obvious in a guilty tone. He rises up off the couch and heads to move the divider between the living room and bedroom. )
Then point me in the direction of the most beautiful horse. The lesser of evils.
( He nods his head backwards. ) Let's go to sleep now so we can wake up early and have sex.
That's equally impossible as the last thing. I don't think you are comprehending how creepy these things are.
( seriously, their ghostly eyes and snarling faces have to give small children nightmares. Matt might be lucky to be blind, for literally the first and only time in his life, if he wants to go on the Coney Carousel.
despite everything, Peter manages to blush at the mention of morning sex. he's slowly getting a little more brave about intimacy and working up to speaking about his wants plainly and without stammering, yet the bald mention of it does set off his mostly subdued flighty virgin senses. ) I don't see how that would make your deposition easier.
( not that he'd protest rolling into Matt in the morning and taking advantage of him being immediately there, just... he doesn't want to be responsible for a bad day in court, that's not a crime! )
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his senses are funny, often acting instinctively, and especially when Peter is on edge. still, apparently his spider-senses don't find Matt's attempts to comfort him to be a threat; probably because they aren't. Peter feels as if he doesn't quite deserve the comfort but he craves it anyway, holding onto Matt as if he might never let go, despite all his attempts to convince himself it would be better if he did. his face is wet and he's glad to hide it in the fabric of Matt's sweatshirt, even though it leaves his answered muffled. )
You don't get to tell me I don't have to worry about it when you are bleeding as we speak. ( Peter can't tell where, but this close he can smell it. at least he probably doesn't have to worry about accidentally killing Matt, since Matt will probably kill himself faster. it doesn't make him feel that much better. ) If anybody that wants to hurt Spider-Man finds out about you, that I care about you? You'd be in even more danger than you already are.
( and if caring was dangerous, giving what they were a name was certainly worse. dating was sort of like painting a target on Matt's back, if Peter ever got a new enemy that had a bone to pick and a clue about his identity. not to mention the fact Harry is most assuredly not dead, and still making his life miserable, even from Ravencroft. Harry had thrown the last person Peter loved to their inevitable death, he's fairly certain Harry wouldn't hesitate to hurt someone else if he thought it would even slightly upset him. )
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I know it seems like the only options are me dead or me and you going to Coney Island together. And obviously you want me alive. But it's not like that. I'm like you. Abilities. And I've lost someone. I think this is something ...
( He's not thinking of Elektra right now, but later he'll remember when he told her they belonged together. )
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but the fact he was here, in Matt's living room, in Matt's arms, means something. the fact he's explaining his fears instead of just blindly following them means something too. he's scared, but he's here, because he wants to believe that maybe Matt is right, and maybe the deck doesn't have to deal him the same terrible hand twice. )
Harry is still alive. Harry still hates me, and he'd do it again if he could. There's a city full of people that hate me enough to hurt you. ( Peter can't help himself, he has to remind Matt all the reasons why it's a bad idea, even if his body is giving away all the reasons it's a good one. holding onto him like he's the last buoy in a raging sea, pressing a kiss at one of the dark sideburns that somehow look so attractive on Matt Murdock and literally no one else on the planet.
and, limitedly, he also can't help inquiring, ) Seriously, you want to take me to Coney Island. ( that's oddly adorable, why does Matt want to go to Coney Island. )
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( Matt cradles Peter close to him, but then stretches his arms out to get him to sit a few feet away. He will yank on Peter's hips if he goes to sit beside him. Matt will pull him into his lap and clutch him against his chest. )
Yeah, I'd take you to Coney Island. Foggy never wanted to go, he thought it'd be boring for me. I went by myself once. It sounds like music-- Peter... I can protect myself.
( Matt starts to comb his fingers through Peter's hair, in some sort of cat-petting trance. In his mind, he's not scared for Peter the way he is for Matt. Matt knows that if any of Matt's thugs came up to Peter, then Peter would dunk on them.
Except Fisk.
Oh right. Fisk.)
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despite being nonconvinced that cutting out PDA will protect them, Peter does allow Matt to pull him closer. and closer still into his lap, as if no amount of close is close enough. it's something Peter usually finds endearing, still does, despite the fact there's still the tiny in the whisper in his head about what a big mistake it is to let himself even consider what Matt is saying.
it's really hard to focus on freaking out about distant possibilities when Matt is talking about Coney Island and whispering in that intoxicating way of his, that manages to paint a picture of what he sees, even when he doesn't see at all. ) You'd make a killing at Whack-a-Mole, ( Peter reflects with a laugh that's more sad than anything. he'd like that, he'd like to go together, he'd like to try and explain all the roaring sound and activity to Matt and do dumb things like play for stuffed toys he doesn't need and steal Matt's cotton candy. he wants all of those things, Matt isn't alone in wanting. he just has convinced himself that wanting was dangerous for so long, he's almost afraid to consider what it would be like if he let himself.
he only has one last lingering defense, and it feels like Matt practically glossed over it. Peter forces himself out of the lull that Matt is trying to coax him into, and damn him if it isn't working. Peter has to catch his hands and hold onto them, because if he doesn't he knows he will melt to them, he always does. )
Why— why do you still want me, after what I told you? Matt, I mean it. I killed her. It was me. It's not some guilty conscience talking, I snapped her neck trying to catch her. You should hate me — I know you don't kill, and you wouldn't want to be with someone that does. ( Peter has hated himself for killing Gwen for so long it is truly baffling that he's confessed his worst crime and Matt doesn't seem interested in hating him for it. )
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( He thinks about maybe sharing how Elektra slit a boy's throat several feet from where they sat. She was upset afterwards, like she was the one who was hurt, not did the hurting. If he can get his mitts away from Peter, he'll use them to again pull Peter to him. )
You and I are in the same business. I can protect myself. And I know you can protect your ass. Your cute, round ass. ( A smile, trying to extinguish the seriousness of this conversation. He considers what he'd do if Fisk got out again. He'd somehow use his lawyer powers to convince Peter to leave the state. Easy. )
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Peter doesn't relinquish Matt's hands immediately, despite the tug. it's sad that he'd almost rather Matt be angry with him, because it'd almost be a relief to have someone hate him for what he's done. Peter feels as if he certainly deserves as much. it takes a minute to sink in that it's not the argument closer he thought it'd be. what is he supposed to do, now that he's out of excuses? this is the same fight he'd had over and over with Gwen, and he knows how much the back and forth and hot and cold had hurt her. is it really as easy as just accepting the risk for a chance at being happy?
probably. still seems easier said than done, though Peter reluctantly releases Matt to do whatever he wants with his hands. unsurprisingly it is just to draw him closer. ) I'm having an emotional crisis, here, stop talking about my ass. ( it's a joke, which is a good sign, even though his tone is still a little more watery than he'd like. it's pretty far from the ball of anxiety he'd been when he'd walked in the door, though — Matt is very convincing, turns out. )
WHAAAT YOU'RE CATHOLIC? LIKE JOHN MULANEY?
--For the record, we don't believe that angels looked like those big wheels of eyes, so figure it out.
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he is half baffled, but, half touched, almost despite himself. it's not that he's accepting it, that's a far ask. but accepting that's how Matt feels... well, maybe he can do that.
he huffs a sad laugh and it's paired with a smile, still a little stained but certainly a lighter than anything else Peter has been displaying this entire conversation. he doesn't fight the kiss, in fact after it's over his hands find the back of Matt's neck to look him in the eye. Matt can't see him but that doesn't mean Peter can't see his reaction, and that's what he's looking for. ) Is that your weird catholic way of saying you love me?
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Yeah, so he did just say that about loving Peter. And calling him an angel. He thinks maybe he can avoid it and go back-- no, Peter, you do look like one of those angels with wheels of eyes.
No. Fuck it. They both could die tomorrow. )
I do love you. Is that less weird and Catholic? What are you, an atheist? ( He says it with a squint. ) Seem like you're too smart to believe in something like I do.
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and when someone tells you they love you, especially when you haven't heard it from anyone but your aunt in years — you want to memorize everything about it, even if the moment wasn't perfect or beautiful or romantic. it's still something he wants to remember. )
You didn't bring up wheel face angels, so yeah. ( it does not take much to be less weird than that. Peter feels the dumb smile on his face at the plain words, despite the fact he's given Matt ample example why loving him is such a bad idea. it is a bad idea, but it doesn't change how beautiful the feeling is, to be loved. ) ...uh. I'm Jewish, technically.
( not practicing but the thing about Judaism is you're born into it and you never escape it, even if you don't practice it. it was a religion and an ethnicity rolled into one and Peter was not going to escape either any time soon, thanks to his jewish Auntie. )
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A Jewish boy and a Catholic boy.
( Neither of them were boys, even if Matt insisted Peter was. He could hear the smile in Peter's voice and continued to return it. He leaned forward once again to steal a quick kiss. It would be nice if Peter returned the sentiment, but Matt wasn't too concerned. He could have unrequited love. Maybe one day, Peter would realize he loved Matt all along. A guy can't dream, can't he?
He wasn't even sure why he was mad about this guy. They had a lot in common, Matt felt like he could be himself. He could be silly or stupid or afraid. He didn't have to wear a mask. His face was his mask. )
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it takes him a minute, running calloused fingertips over the stubble on Matt’s jaw, taking him in and trying to memorize every piece of him. because maybe it really was inevitable that he’d lose him and if that was the case Peter has lost too many people not to cling onto every new memory he can get his hands on. )
I’m sorry I was a shithead, ( Peter mumbles, eyes wandering because despite the fact Matt is blind, Peter hates looking people in the eye when he has to say something uncomfortable. ) I love you too, you know? That’s the scariest part.
( loving means having something to lose. putting a name on things made them too real, and reminded him too much of what he lost. it had been easier to panic and recoil and if he weren’t in so very deep, maybe he’d have been able to stay away. but just ask Gwen Stacy how good Peter was at truly leaving behind someone he loves. )
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You're not a shithead. You-- oh. Okay. ( Matt smiles and ducks his head a little, he wasn't going to have to pine away. No alcohol and one night stands to scrub Peter away.
The way Peter touches his face is familiar, but it's not the same as when Matt tried to remember his father's face. It's not like the time Foggy let him feel his face to try and visualize him. No, this felt sad. Matt reaches up and curls fingers around Peter's wrist. ) It's all right.
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(his aunt knows this, and will hold his face in place to force him to. Matt has never bothered because he can't see, which is sort of a relief.)
peter lifts the wrist Matt has found and kisses the bruised knuckles he finds there. ) Mmm, you said I was yourself, you know. And you were right. ( it was shitty to shut down, it was shitty to push him away, it was shitty to ghost him three days like both of them would just magically stop caring and he could go back to his pretend world of detachment. ) I broke up with Gwen like 17 times trying to keep up with a promise I made to her dead dad. She hated it, the last time she broke up with me. You'd think I'd have learned, but... sometimes it's like I don't know anything, now that she's gone. She was the smart one, believe it or not.
( it's super new, to be able to talk about Gwen without crying. it's not exactly good, but maybe it's better than stuffing all the memories back and trying to avoid ever thinking about them. )
DID U SEE DEFENDERS? SHOULD I LEAVE OUT SPOILERS? CAPS LOCK!
You can't stop some things, Peter. You have to let them happen. They tell me things happen for a reason, but I know that's a shitty thing to say in reference to someone dying. I loved a woman named Elektra. She was killed in my arms by ... ninjas, of all things.
( He kisses him again, as if trying to shut himself up. Matt threads his fingers through Peter's ridiculous hair and smiles to himself. It's a secret smile. )
yes i have seen defenders!!
also, if you get down to it, he's the reason it happened. he also doesn't like that reminder. )
I'm sorry, ( Peter mutters, scrubbing a thumb near Matt's ear, at the dark line of a sideburn that seems absurdly well maintained for a guy that can't see. ) I know saying that is completely pointless and it doesn't help. But I am sorry.
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( She might be gone for good now. Even if Matt survived the goddamn building falling on him.
Matt leans his head to the side, right where Peter is touching. It's one of his dog-like head tilts, but this time it's to get more of Peter's hand on his face. )
I'm sorry too. But at least we found each other. We can share our solitude. These double lives that feel like half lives. ( He scoffs. ) We should quit. ( They both know he'd never do anything like that. ) Go to Europe.
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Evil? man, it'd be pretty awkward if all Peter's "people who hate me will hurt you" panic turned out to be pointless because now that Elektra was the Black Sky, that could maybe be a problem if she ever wanted to throw down over Matt Murdock. thank goodness she's off doing Black Sky things and not stalking Matt's new love interests... . .. . . . . )
Yeah. I think there's less of me left, now. ( of Peter Parker, he means. more and more and more, Spider-Man seems to take over. like bits and pieces and parts of him have died along with the people he's lost. Peter's actually agreed to travel once, for Gwen. he'd probably do it for Matt, too, but they'd both end up back in their city eventually. ) Just not London. ( sorry, Matt, that one can't happen... and considering their night, Matt can probably guess why. )
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( Matt leans forward once more and kisses Peter, like he can't stop himself. ) We'll go to Coney Island and I can baffle carnies.
no worries
Peter is a good New Yorker, born and raised. he loves his city and has never wanted to move anywhere else, beyond London with Gwen. he's tired enough of supering that he'd consider a short vacation, though. what would the city do if Spider-Man was in Hawaii?? they might have to figure out one day. (but not today.)
Matt is really stuck on Coney Island, huh? Peter laughs, pairs it with a kiss of his own, and then leans back. he should probably crawl off of Matt's lap at some point tonight, he seems like he's considering now. ) Yeah, okay. Coney Island. Let's do it.
Re: no worries
Okay, you apologized. And I'm sorry too, I shouldn't push you. But you gotta get out of here, or strip and sleep next to me, because I have a deposition in the morning.
( He knew Peter couldn't be with him all the time. He knew Peter couldn't sleep next to him in his underwear and not touch Matt. Matt knew a lot of things, but he ignored it all. )
This weekend, we'll go to Coney Island and you can pick out the ugliest horse for me to ride on the carousel.
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I can sleep in my clothes. ( he legit does it all the time, sometimes whilst stuck to a wall. it isn’t that big a deal. he’s finally found the willpower to slink off of Matt and onto the couch proper, and he worries a lip about his impeccable timing. ) Sorry. I guess I’d know that if I hadn’t been ghosting you for three days.
( his guilt is obvious in his tone, though he doesn’t break into another string of sorries. if Matt rubs it in, he might. as far as the carousel, he has bad news. ) Matt, I’m telling you this because you are blind and I guess you don’t know. All the horses are haunted levels of horrifying, asking me to pick the worst one is like asking me to pick the wettest ocean.
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Then point me in the direction of the most beautiful horse. The lesser of evils.
( He nods his head backwards. ) Let's go to sleep now so we can wake up early and have sex.
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( seriously, their ghostly eyes and snarling faces have to give small children nightmares. Matt might be lucky to be blind, for literally the first and only time in his life, if he wants to go on the Coney Carousel.
despite everything, Peter manages to blush at the mention of morning sex. he's slowly getting a little more brave about intimacy and working up to speaking about his wants plainly and without stammering, yet the bald mention of it does set off his mostly subdued flighty virgin senses. ) I don't see how that would make your deposition easier.
( not that he'd protest rolling into Matt in the morning and taking advantage of him being immediately there, just... he doesn't want to be responsible for a bad day in court, that's not a crime! )
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wraps disssss