( Peter has a horrible tendency of avoiding what he doesn't want to think about. the longer he can go the better, sometimes long enough that the problem will resolve itself or disappear due to his inattention. he does his best to keep things that bother him packed up in the dusty boxes of his mind and anything that knocks them over or disrupts those memories is usually something he distances himself from, just as a matter of self preservation.
sometimes it's places. he can't go to the Chinese place he'd broken up with Gwen in front of anymore because it just has too many memories. he doesn't like to go down the street his uncle bled out on, in fact he'll go blocks out of his way not to even see the street sign. there's a dozen little places he'll avoid if he can help it, because of too many memories that hurt too much.
turns out, though, he avoids people just as easily. it's really not fair to suddenly pull a disappearing act on Matt when he's the one who brought up Gwen in the first place. objectively, Peter knows there'd been no intent behind it, because how was Matt supposed to know? Peter should have known better than to mention her at all, it just all got out of control and then it was too late. sometimes it felt like his refusal to talk resulted in the words spilling out of him like blood from a wound, the second they had a place to land.
part of him thinks it's for the best. what he said was not untrue, they are not dating and maybe they needed to stop dancing around it as a possibility. if they cut it off now, it'd be easier for both of them. that's what he'd been telling himself the first few days of not bending to his normal habits of texting Matt with pointless nonsense, and sleeping in his own bed instead of breaking into Matt's apartment to sneak into bed with him instead. it was for the best, Gwen was a lesson he refused to unlearn and while Matt doesn't think he needs protecting, he's just as capable of being targeted if the right information fell into the wrong hands. just as human if Peter makes one dumb mistake.
the only way to avoid losing anyone else is to just not have anyone to lose.
turns out, even if staying away is for the best, it isn't easy. in fact the longer he goes the more impossible it feels, which is depressing, because it's only been a few days. if staying away was the right thing to do, why does it feel like hell? Peter hates himself for it but he's had enough people vanish from his life, both by choice and not, to not want to do the same to someone else. he feels very much his age in his uncertainty, wanting to avoid the complications and the dangers of caring while equally craving to not be alone, to be with someone who understood him, and... yes, someone he really cared about already. it was too late to stop.
it's late but not so late that it's more morning than night. Peter hadn't meant to, but walking familiar sidewalks of Hell's Kitchen had just brought him here, and he's tired of being strong and pretending he doesn't need someone. he doesn't even know if Matt is there, chances are good he could be out breaking faces for the good of the city. and yet here he is, at the door for once of all places, and feeling incredibly out of place and a heartbeat from bolting and yet his feet aren't going anywhere. he finally lifts his hand to knock, and before he can the door opens on its own. Peter is surprised for a half second before he remembers who he's dealing with. )
Sorry, ( he says, and whether it's for haunting the outside of his apartment or not talking to him in three days or just being the disaster of a person he is, hard to say. probably all of the above, honestly. )
( Matt did have the sadboy thing going on, something that women really went for. But he hadn't had a girlfriend since Karen, and before that, since Elektra. It was because he fell in love too fast and too recklessly. Elektra was his first love and look where that got him. She abandoned him. (Right, after trying to get him to kill his father's killer, so it's a little more complicated). Karen refused to speak to him about their relationship after finding Elektra in his bed. So. Back to Elektra.
With Peter, he wasn't aware he was falling in love. But it was obvious with the fact that he was too afraid to speak the name, if he even knew what it was called. That and Peter coming around so often that it was like clockwork and it steadied Matt's heart. So when Peter cut him down, he went back to his lonely ass life. Beating people. Showing up late to work and disappointing his friends-- who all were now aware that Matt was Daredevil again.
He figured he wouldn't see Peter again and he made peace with it.
It was late and he had come in from fightin' crime to lay on his couch and nurse what could be a broken rib. When he heard the heartbeat he quickly threw a hoodie on and yanked open the door. Oh-so-enthusiastically. Matt was dramatic, even if he didn't emote all that much. But when he did emote, watch out. )
Peter. What... what's wrong? ( He looked around in the hall to see if Peter was being followed, if he was in trouble. Because at this point, that was the only reason Peter would come see him tonight. Or ever again. He gestured for Peter to come in and closed the door behind him. )
( dramatic indeed, the door flies open like it's a Resident Evil move and some kind of action hero is going to bust out of it. well, actually that assessment was fair, Matt sort of is an action hero. one that's looking worse for the wear at the moment, but Peter is more used to seeing Matt bruised and bleeding than he is seeing him perfectly healthy. Peter feels unbalanced by his sudden appearance, but truth be told he didn't know what he was doing even before the door opened on its own.
there's nothing in the hall behind him, he's not being chased by anything but his own guilt and neediness. Peter feels mildly bad that he didn't point that out before Matt found himself nervous about what could be chasing him. though if anything, Peter would rather die to some supervillain than drag them to Matt's door. been there, done that, remember?
what's wrong? how does he even begin to explain it? he doesn't do the explaining part, Peter is much better at the just avoiding it and hoping at some point it'll go away, stop hurting, or both. he practically twitches his way inside Matt's apartment, walking anxiety even after the door is closed. he's lucky Matt can't hear his thoughts because they're buzzing around in his head like angry bees. they're almost too loud for even him. it takes him a long stretch before he even has an answer. )
I wanted to see you. ( he sounds guilty about it, as only Peter can really manage. turns out once he says the first thing, more starts spilling out. ) I'm sorry I haven't been around. It's not your fault you didn't— I shouldn't— no, I should have told you about Gwen, a long time ago.
( Matt can't read Peter's thoughts but he does hear his body going crazy. It's enough to make Matt's face scrunch up in discomfort. Boy was like nails on a chalkboard.
He doesn't really want to stand but he's frozen with Peter talking to him. He thought he'd be okay, maybe go sit down on the couch and hear this kid apologize like an asshole. Matt mocked the Punisher for his sob story. They all had one. Everyone. He wouldn't mock Peter's but he was hurt that something that Matt thought was easy to overcome, broke them away from each other. )
You don't have to tell me shit, Peter. You just shouldn't go around getting pissy when people try to ask you a question. You saying you should have told me makes me wonder, is that how much you care about me? And if so, why did you get so... like a shit when I asked about our relationship? So your girlfriend died. So did mine. She died twice, Peter. It's in our job descriptions now.
( sitting is a good idea in theory, except for the fact Peter probably couldn't sit even if he wanted to right about now. in fact instead of just standing, he starts pacing, not even going any where in particular, but stationary just doesn't work when his thoughts are moving faster than a bullet train.
Peter has sort of been operating under the idea he doesn't have to tell anyone anything, and look how it's working out for him. eventually all his secrets catch up to him and tear him apart when he doesn't expect it. even when he tries to never bring them up they seep to the surface, like poisoned earth turning black.
he winces at the very fair point that he'd been an ass, at least managing to silence himself until Matt finishes. he's surprised at how flippant Matt manages to make death sound. for Peter, it is not okay for it to be part of his job description. ) I do care about you, that's why we can't. If anyone should get that, it should be you, if you've lost someone too!
( it's more than just the fact Gwen died, though, and maybe that's why it doesn't make sense. why Matt doesn't understand. Peter scrubs hands over his face, almost painfully, like he has to claw the words out. truth be told, he's never really said them out loud before, and saying them makes the truth painfully real. )
She didn't just die, okay? She was with me, helping me, and someone realized who I was and wanted to hurt me and they... I tried to save her, I just wanted to save her, and I thought... ( he's definitely crying now, finally dragging ugly truths he's been hiding even from herself. they come out of him broken and incoherent, but more than enough to be damning. ) It was me. I killed her. I killed her because Harry wouldn't have done it if it weren't for me, and I ... I killed her because I was so desperate to save her that I didn't think. I just had to stop her and her back broke and it's my fault she's gone. I'm not going to let that happen to you, I can't.
( Matt was just used to death, or at least the concept of it, disguised as abandonment. Everyone who was suppose to keep him from going out at night failed. Now he punishes himself for it. So it wasn't that he was flippant, it was that he just didn't understand why Peter didn't see it as inevitable. Maybe it was his beliefs, we are born and we die and we go to purgatory. We'll see them again one day. It was a bunch of bullshit mostly, because Matt was desperate to touch Peter. He would give any reason for his disaffection in death.
So when Peter starts to cry, Matt can hear it in his voice, taste and smell it. He takes a few steps to try and grab onto Peter. A hand on his back and one going for the crown of his head. )
I know what it's like, Peter. Kind of. But you don't have to worry about that with me. ( Because apparently, Matt thought Muay Thai boxing made you immortal. )
( Peter is not unaware that death is a natural part of life. it'd be one thing if the people around him died of old age or even of a long fight to some sort of disease. it's sort of the murder and accidental death with no expectation or warning, the sudden brutality of there one minute and gone the next that is the problem. for him it isn't okay to just brush it under the rug with the idea it'd happen sooner or later — it would have been later if it weren't for him and his choices, and Peter can't quite let himself forget that.
his senses are funny, often acting instinctively, and especially when Peter is on edge. still, apparently his spider-senses don't find Matt's attempts to comfort him to be a threat; probably because they aren't. Peter feels as if he doesn't quite deserve the comfort but he craves it anyway, holding onto Matt as if he might never let go, despite all his attempts to convince himself it would be better if he did. his face is wet and he's glad to hide it in the fabric of Matt's sweatshirt, even though it leaves his answered muffled. )
You don't get to tell me I don't have to worry about it when you are bleeding as we speak. ( Peter can't tell where, but this close he can smell it. at least he probably doesn't have to worry about accidentally killing Matt, since Matt will probably kill himself faster. it doesn't make him feel that much better. ) If anybody that wants to hurt Spider-Man finds out about you, that I care about you? You'd be in even more danger than you already are.
( and if caring was dangerous, giving what they were a name was certainly worse. dating was sort of like painting a target on Matt's back, if Peter ever got a new enemy that had a bone to pick and a clue about his identity. not to mention the fact Harry is most assuredly not dead, and still making his life miserable, even from Ravencroft. Harry had thrown the last person Peter loved to their inevitable death, he's fairly certain Harry wouldn't hesitate to hurt someone else if he thought it would even slightly upset him. )
You can't let them scare you. ( He clutched Peter, breathed him in. He never knew if what he was saying was too easy and to the point, rather than being inspiring. Matt walked the fine line between cold and likable. Maybe that's why Foggy did a lot of the talking in court. )
I know it seems like the only options are me dead or me and you going to Coney Island together. And obviously you want me alive. But it's not like that. I'm like you. Abilities. And I've lost someone. I think this is something ...
( He's not thinking of Elektra right now, but later he'll remember when he told her they belonged together. )
Great concept, really difficult execution. ( he's already scared, Matt can probably taste it or smell it or whatever the hell Matt does. it's ridiculous, how scared he is of a possibility, of the past repeating itself when he's really only lost one person to someone angry enough to aim next to him instead of at him. the fact he's the one that did the killing, in the end, probably has something to do with it.
but the fact he was here, in Matt's living room, in Matt's arms, means something. the fact he's explaining his fears instead of just blindly following them means something too. he's scared, but he's here, because he wants to believe that maybe Matt is right, and maybe the deck doesn't have to deal him the same terrible hand twice. )
Harry is still alive. Harry still hates me, and he'd do it again if he could. There's a city full of people that hate me enough to hurt you. ( Peter can't help himself, he has to remind Matt all the reasons why it's a bad idea, even if his body is giving away all the reasons it's a good one. holding onto him like he's the last buoy in a raging sea, pressing a kiss at one of the dark sideburns that somehow look so attractive on Matt Murdock and literally no one else on the planet.
and, limitedly, he also can't help inquiring, ) Seriously, you want to take me to Coney Island. ( that's oddly adorable, why does Matt want to go to Coney Island. )
good, bc he's like the only friend i have from midtown. you'd like him if you met him, but if have no idea how to make that happen without it being weird
you want me to sext with hotdog girl right here? still here btw, i've landed on she was drunk bc she def passed out. i think i'm responsible for her too now, i'm her not designated not driver
(She almost bled out. Matthew believes that God was watching when they were able to get her stabilized enough that they could move her. Take her to a proper hospital. Let her spend all her money on medical bills.
She scratched her initials on his heart like a tree trunk. He stayed up with her at the hospital every night. Foggy was furious-- he stopped calling. Matt wasn't sure if he'd have a job when this was over.
The night she leaves, they roll her to the taxi and Matt opens the door, helps her up. When they reach his apartment, he attempts to princess-carry her to the bed and lay her down.)
[ the days pass in a blur and elektra is only conscious for part of it. while she's awake she's mostly just aware of the pain of her wounds and the ill feeling from losing so much blood, but she's also aware of him holding her hand, the warmth of his skin and the anxious pounding of his heart.
it all still aches as they move from the car and up his stairs and elektra clutches tighter as the pain spikes when she moves too quickly or in the wrong way. when they get to his door he finally ignores her price and moves to lift her into his arms. she'd protest, but she's not really in a condition to argue and more than that, she doesn't want to.
her eyes close as she pillows her cheek against his shoulder, clinging tight and breathing him in. ]
(He cradles her like she's the most precious gems, a newborn baby, or a bomb. She's a little bit of all those things combined.
He lays her on his super soft, silky sheeted bed. Instead of climbing over her, he cross around and lays in the bed with her too, shoes and jacket still on.)
[ it hurts to stretch out, so elektra curls on her side instead, closing her eyes as she feels him move in to lay down beside her. he asks if she's still with him and her eyes open again and she twists her face towards his in spite of the pain, kissing him lightly on the mouth. ]
So far. [ she uncurls a bit, trying to find his hand. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
look at his hair in those gifs
sometimes it's places. he can't go to the Chinese place he'd broken up with Gwen in front of anymore because it just has too many memories. he doesn't like to go down the street his uncle bled out on, in fact he'll go blocks out of his way not to even see the street sign. there's a dozen little places he'll avoid if he can help it, because of too many memories that hurt too much.
turns out, though, he avoids people just as easily. it's really not fair to suddenly pull a disappearing act on Matt when he's the one who brought up Gwen in the first place. objectively, Peter knows there'd been no intent behind it, because how was Matt supposed to know? Peter should have known better than to mention her at all, it just all got out of control and then it was too late. sometimes it felt like his refusal to talk resulted in the words spilling out of him like blood from a wound, the second they had a place to land.
part of him thinks it's for the best. what he said was not untrue, they are not dating and maybe they needed to stop dancing around it as a possibility. if they cut it off now, it'd be easier for both of them. that's what he'd been telling himself the first few days of not bending to his normal habits of texting Matt with pointless nonsense, and sleeping in his own bed instead of breaking into Matt's apartment to sneak into bed with him instead. it was for the best, Gwen was a lesson he refused to unlearn and while Matt doesn't think he needs protecting, he's just as capable of being targeted if the right information fell into the wrong hands. just as human if Peter makes one dumb mistake.
the only way to avoid losing anyone else is to just not have anyone to lose.
turns out, even if staying away is for the best, it isn't easy. in fact the longer he goes the more impossible it feels, which is depressing, because it's only been a few days. if staying away was the right thing to do, why does it feel like hell? Peter hates himself for it but he's had enough people vanish from his life, both by choice and not, to not want to do the same to someone else. he feels very much his age in his uncertainty, wanting to avoid the complications and the dangers of caring while equally craving to not be alone, to be with someone who understood him, and... yes, someone he really cared about already. it was too late to stop.
it's late but not so late that it's more morning than night. Peter hadn't meant to, but walking familiar sidewalks of Hell's Kitchen had just brought him here, and he's tired of being strong and pretending he doesn't need someone. he doesn't even know if Matt is there, chances are good he could be out breaking faces for the good of the city. and yet here he is, at the door for once of all places, and feeling incredibly out of place and a heartbeat from bolting and yet his feet aren't going anywhere. he finally lifts his hand to knock, and before he can the door opens on its own. Peter is surprised for a half second before he remembers who he's dealing with. )
Sorry, ( he says, and whether it's for haunting the outside of his apartment or not talking to him in three days or just being the disaster of a person he is, hard to say. probably all of the above, honestly. )
it's tall, like peter's!!
With Peter, he wasn't aware he was falling in love. But it was obvious with the fact that he was too afraid to speak the name, if he even knew what it was called. That and Peter coming around so often that it was like clockwork and it steadied Matt's heart. So when Peter cut him down, he went back to his lonely ass life. Beating people. Showing up late to work and disappointing his friends-- who all were now aware that Matt was Daredevil again.
He figured he wouldn't see Peter again and he made peace with it.
It was late and he had come in from fightin' crime to lay on his couch and nurse what could be a broken rib. When he heard the heartbeat he quickly threw a hoodie on and yanked open the door. Oh-so-enthusiastically. Matt was dramatic, even if he didn't emote all that much. But when he did emote, watch out. )
Peter. What... what's wrong? ( He looked around in the hall to see if Peter was being followed, if he was in trouble. Because at this point, that was the only reason Peter would come see him tonight. Or ever again. He gestured for Peter to come in and closed the door behind him. )
its such a disaster i love it
there's nothing in the hall behind him, he's not being chased by anything but his own guilt and neediness. Peter feels mildly bad that he didn't point that out before Matt found himself nervous about what could be chasing him. though if anything, Peter would rather die to some supervillain than drag them to Matt's door. been there, done that, remember?
what's wrong? how does he even begin to explain it? he doesn't do the explaining part, Peter is much better at the just avoiding it and hoping at some point it'll go away, stop hurting, or both. he practically twitches his way inside Matt's apartment, walking anxiety even after the door is closed. he's lucky Matt can't hear his thoughts because they're buzzing around in his head like angry bees. they're almost too loud for even him. it takes him a long stretch before he even has an answer. )
I wanted to see you. ( he sounds guilty about it, as only Peter can really manage. turns out once he says the first thing, more starts spilling out. ) I'm sorry I haven't been around. It's not your fault you didn't— I shouldn't— no, I should have told you about Gwen, a long time ago.
they have the same hair they are otp
He doesn't really want to stand but he's frozen with Peter talking to him. He thought he'd be okay, maybe go sit down on the couch and hear this kid apologize like an asshole. Matt mocked the Punisher for his sob story. They all had one. Everyone. He wouldn't mock Peter's but he was hurt that something that Matt thought was easy to overcome, broke them away from each other. )
You don't have to tell me shit, Peter. You just shouldn't go around getting pissy when people try to ask you a question. You saying you should have told me makes me wonder, is that how much you care about me? And if so, why did you get so... like a shit when I asked about our relationship? So your girlfriend died. So did mine. She died twice, Peter. It's in our job descriptions now.
how did i never see it before
Peter has sort of been operating under the idea he doesn't have to tell anyone anything, and look how it's working out for him. eventually all his secrets catch up to him and tear him apart when he doesn't expect it. even when he tries to never bring them up they seep to the surface, like poisoned earth turning black.
he winces at the very fair point that he'd been an ass, at least managing to silence himself until Matt finishes. he's surprised at how flippant Matt manages to make death sound. for Peter, it is not okay for it to be part of his job description. ) I do care about you, that's why we can't. If anyone should get that, it should be you, if you've lost someone too!
( it's more than just the fact Gwen died, though, and maybe that's why it doesn't make sense. why Matt doesn't understand. Peter scrubs hands over his face, almost painfully, like he has to claw the words out. truth be told, he's never really said them out loud before, and saying them makes the truth painfully real. )
She didn't just die, okay? She was with me, helping me, and someone realized who I was and wanted to hurt me and they... I tried to save her, I just wanted to save her, and I thought... ( he's definitely crying now, finally dragging ugly truths he's been hiding even from herself. they come out of him broken and incoherent, but more than enough to be damning. ) It was me. I killed her. I killed her because Harry wouldn't have done it if it weren't for me, and I ... I killed her because I was so desperate to save her that I didn't think. I just had to stop her and her back broke and it's my fault she's gone. I'm not going to let that happen to you, I can't.
so tol
So when Peter starts to cry, Matt can hear it in his voice, taste and smell it. He takes a few steps to try and grab onto Peter. A hand on his back and one going for the crown of his head. )
I know what it's like, Peter. Kind of. But you don't have to worry about that with me. ( Because apparently, Matt thought Muay Thai boxing made you immortal. )
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his senses are funny, often acting instinctively, and especially when Peter is on edge. still, apparently his spider-senses don't find Matt's attempts to comfort him to be a threat; probably because they aren't. Peter feels as if he doesn't quite deserve the comfort but he craves it anyway, holding onto Matt as if he might never let go, despite all his attempts to convince himself it would be better if he did. his face is wet and he's glad to hide it in the fabric of Matt's sweatshirt, even though it leaves his answered muffled. )
You don't get to tell me I don't have to worry about it when you are bleeding as we speak. ( Peter can't tell where, but this close he can smell it. at least he probably doesn't have to worry about accidentally killing Matt, since Matt will probably kill himself faster. it doesn't make him feel that much better. ) If anybody that wants to hurt Spider-Man finds out about you, that I care about you? You'd be in even more danger than you already are.
( and if caring was dangerous, giving what they were a name was certainly worse. dating was sort of like painting a target on Matt's back, if Peter ever got a new enemy that had a bone to pick and a clue about his identity. not to mention the fact Harry is most assuredly not dead, and still making his life miserable, even from Ravencroft. Harry had thrown the last person Peter loved to their inevitable death, he's fairly certain Harry wouldn't hesitate to hurt someone else if he thought it would even slightly upset him. )
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I know it seems like the only options are me dead or me and you going to Coney Island together. And obviously you want me alive. But it's not like that. I'm like you. Abilities. And I've lost someone. I think this is something ...
( He's not thinking of Elektra right now, but later he'll remember when he told her they belonged together. )
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but the fact he was here, in Matt's living room, in Matt's arms, means something. the fact he's explaining his fears instead of just blindly following them means something too. he's scared, but he's here, because he wants to believe that maybe Matt is right, and maybe the deck doesn't have to deal him the same terrible hand twice. )
Harry is still alive. Harry still hates me, and he'd do it again if he could. There's a city full of people that hate me enough to hurt you. ( Peter can't help himself, he has to remind Matt all the reasons why it's a bad idea, even if his body is giving away all the reasons it's a good one. holding onto him like he's the last buoy in a raging sea, pressing a kiss at one of the dark sideburns that somehow look so attractive on Matt Murdock and literally no one else on the planet.
and, limitedly, he also can't help inquiring, ) Seriously, you want to take me to Coney Island. ( that's oddly adorable, why does Matt want to go to Coney Island. )
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WHAAAT YOU'RE CATHOLIC? LIKE JOHN MULANEY?
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DID U SEE DEFENDERS? SHOULD I LEAVE OUT SPOILERS? CAPS LOCK!
yes i have seen defenders!!
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no worries
Re: no worries
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wraps disssss
captcha overflow for WEBDESIGNED
Well, you like doing it to me. You like me telling you what to do.
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i'm gonna put it out there that i don't like everything you tell me to do do, but generally when we are naked, you make compelling points
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I feel like you're calling me bossy. And sexy.
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very astute observation, counselor
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You like a sexy boss? We can play intern sometime.
No we can't, that's too weird.
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yeah hard pass on that it would just remind me of jjj and that’s not gonna help anybody get off
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What would get you off? I like getting you off.
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you want me to sext with hotdog girl right here? still here btw, i've landed on she was drunk bc she def passed out. i think i'm responsible for her too now, i'm her not designated not driver
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🎀
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She scratched her initials on his heart like a tree trunk. He stayed up with her at the hospital every night. Foggy was furious-- he stopped calling. Matt wasn't sure if he'd have a job when this was over.
The night she leaves, they roll her to the taxi and Matt opens the door, helps her up. When they reach his apartment, he attempts to princess-carry her to the bed and lay her down.)
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it all still aches as they move from the car and up his stairs and elektra clutches tighter as the pain spikes when she moves too quickly or in the wrong way. when they get to his door he finally ignores her price and moves to lift her into his arms. she'd protest, but she's not really in a condition to argue and more than that, she doesn't want to.
her eyes close as she pillows her cheek against his shoulder, clinging tight and breathing him in. ]
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He lays her on his super soft, silky sheeted bed. Instead of climbing over her, he cross around and lays in the bed with her too, shoes and jacket still on.)
You still with me?
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So far. [ she uncurls a bit, trying to find his hand. ]
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(He can feel her fumbling, feels the air around her moving, and he grips her hand.)
Don't ever do this again, okay? (He chuckles softly.)
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I'll just need to be faster next time, won't I?
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(he wets his lips nervously, and closes his eyes. He feels like he's in a haze, overwhelmed.)
I need you around.
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